Setbacks

There have been some setbacks lately, like not being able to see Louisa ( :( ) but the biggest came on Monday. We found out that bone marrow transplant is no longer an option for my mom. Her doctor gave her three options: give up and just get blood every week, haploid transplant, or research trial. These were almost the first words out of her mouth when she and Bobby got home. So, essentially wait to die, get a half match transplant, or be a guinea pig who might get a damn placebo. She was tired and hungry, and basically went right up to lay down and I said I would start dinner. I was so distracted I burned myself through sheer stupidity. It doesn't hurt though, I think I seared off any nerves.

My grandmother called while I was cooking and I had to tell her the news. She asked me to stay at home with my mom indefinitely, but I didn't really say yes or no. Then during dinner that night my mom asked me to stay the rest of the week. So I'm staying, but now I might be in VA until the 11th for my grandfather's service at Arlington Cemetary. Partly because it's silly to come home for a week, just to come back again, but also because I really feel like my mom is better when I'm here. She eats better, she's not alone all day, the house is in better condition, and I think she's happier. I miss Jae, and I know he hates expecting me back, and then having to go solo longer. Although I think it's the fact that I'm forced to stay, instead of wanting to, because Bobby doesn't do anything that really upsets him. We talked a little bit about holding off on the wedding, but know that it doesn't change anything.

I guess this is just the first time I've felt guilty about the wedding. I feel shallow thinking about how I'll look or wanting to buy earrings, even my long hair seems mildly insulting when I see my mom's bald head. I've developed a weird habit of thinking through really awful scenarios, planning what I would do as a way of getting over it. So for now I don't feel like doing anything wedding related. I'll keep you all updated. Let me know when the shoes come in!